Insomnia and Waiting for the wave
I have long been interested in intense human emotions.
Recently I got strongly interested in how to face morbid emotions, distress, and psychological pain.
Although there are various medical and logical approaches to treating disorders, I consider their causes as something that cannot be eliminated from our lives as human beings. Accepting morbid feelings, melancholy, ennui, and loss as they are, rather than removing them, is one of my answers to the recovery. During the pandemic, my days and nights turned upside down since I spent a lot of time at home. As a result, I was suffering from insomnia and obsessed with the idea that I cannot do anything because of it. It was around this time that I started surfing. I realized that the waves were similar to the human condition and emotions. Dodging waves by diving well so as not to be hit directly by waves when going further to catch a good wave. Feeling hard to breathe when being hit by a violent wave. Riding a good wave successfully makes you push forward with great power and see different scenery. The day when there are no waves at all is called "no surf" and surfers hate it. Waiting for a wave by subtly moving up and down on the horizon, overlaps with the time when you cannot sleep and cannot do anything due to insomnia. When I regard it as something uncontrollable and repeating eternally, Even the quiet moments turn out to be worth loving. These experiences inspired me to create many works focusing on insomnia and morbid emotions. cigarettes, coffee, and other indulgences and medicines. A person who cannot sleep until morning, looking jealously at their lover who sleeps soundly. The flickering fire that calms them down when gazing at it during sleepless hours. A person illuminated by a smartphone late at night. People heading out to surf in the pink sunlight during the morning magic hour. I want to somehow depict things that I hesitate to mention, such as mental illness and morbid emotions, as something pure without filtering them as impurity. If a work depicting such a seemingly meaningless moment could generate empathy similar to the encouragement I felt when I saw "a person waiting for a wave they could not ride on such a no-surf day," it would offer them a kind of non-logical salvation. I am writing this text remembering that scenery.
(12/30/2022)
Translated with the cooperation of Moeka Sakuma
「不眠症と波を待つこと」
私は長いこと人間の強い感情に興味があり、とりわけ最近は病的な感情、苦痛や心理的な傷を負うことに対しての向き合い方に強い関心がありました。 不調の改善のための様々な医学的・論理的なアプローチはありますが、それらの症状のファクターは、人として生きる上で排除できないものと考えます。 病的な感情・憂鬱・倦怠・喪失、それらを取り除き改善するのでは無く、ありのまま受け入れることがあらゆる回復に向けた一つの私の回答です。 パンデミックの間、家での生活時間が長くなり昼夜逆転し、不眠とそれによる何もできない時間が、一種の強迫観念のように私を悩ませました。 サーフィンを始めたのもこの不眠症と同時期で、波は不調や感情に近いことに気づきました。 沖に出るために波に直撃しない様にうまく潜って波をかわすこと。 激しい波を食らうと様々な器官に海水が侵入し苦しいこと。 また押し寄せてくる波にうまく乗ると、押される瞬間に大きなパワーを生み景色が変わること。 波が全くない日はノーサーフと呼ばれサーファーには嫌われますが、全く波がない場所でただ水平線を微妙に上下しながら波を待つことが、不眠のまま眠ることができず何もできない時間に重なります。 それらが永遠と繰り返されるコントロールができないものと捉えると、その静かな時間でさえも愛せるのです。 この経験を起因として、不眠や不調に着目した作品を多く制作しました。 タバコやコーヒーなどの嗜好品や薬 熟睡する恋人を嫉妬深く見つめる朝まで眠れない人 眠れない時間にひたすら見ると落ち着く火の揺らぎ 深夜にスマートフォンに照らされる人 朝方マジックアワーにピンク色の太陽に照らされサーフィンに向かう人 精神的な不調や病的な感情などといった言及することを躊躇するような事を、いかにしても自分の中で不純なものとして濾過せずに純粋なものとして描きたいのです。 そんな無意味にも見える瞬間を描いた作品が、「こんなノーサーフな日に乗れるはずのない波を待ち続けている人」を見たときに私が感じた、励ましに似たエンパシーを生むことができたら、一つの論理的ではない救いに近づけるのではないかと。 その風景を思い出しながらこの文章を書いています。 (2022/12/30)
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statement 2022
I believe that painting is a medium capable of direct expression and has the power to unashamedly expose emotional details and the reality of living in various relationships.
It can also help us accept negative reality by expressing morbid, extremely lonely, and vulnerable parts of our lives in the form of images.
This is similar to, for example, being sentimental over one's experience while listening to a song of lost love.
I don't regard it as being mundane and vulgar.
When exposed to the strong assertions and emotions of others, we often suffer from the sense of not being accepted.
Keeping a certain distance from others and some issues are one of the necessary self-preservation measures to avoid being hurt.
However, drawing a line or putting a lid against negativity with others physically or mentally leads to insensitivity as a side reaction.
I feel a sense of crisis seeing the decline in their sensitivity.
I feel that the process of recovery after accepting difficulties generates a great deal of energy and that there is a strong possibility, especially in things that do not follow logic, are not likely to be the subjects of academic study, or are mundane or insignificant.
I want to capture this energy in everyday life and show it in my work.
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私は、絵画は直接的な表現が可能な媒体で、感情的なディテール、様々な関係性の中で生きることに対してのリアリティーを、恥ずかしげも無くさらけ出すことができる力を持っていると考えている。また、病的であったり、極端に孤独を伴う、弱い部分をもイメージとして表出する事でそのネガティブな事象を受け入れる助けになると考えている。 それは例えば失恋ソングを自らの経験に重ねて聴き感傷に浸ることと相違ないし、それが世俗的で陳腐なものとは考えない。 人は他者や物事との間に一定の距離を保つことは傷つかないための必要な一つの自衛策を持ったが、それによって様々な感受性に蓋をする感覚がある。 私はロジックに従わない、学術的にはとりこぼされがちで世俗的であったり、取るに足りない感情や傷つくことから回復に向かうエネルギーに強い可能性を感じている。日常の営みの中の、そのエネルギーを掴み、作品の中で示したい。
statement for [lonely girl already time] at Tokyo arts and space
In an age when the diversification of means of communication has enabled us to perform various convenient transactions, we have mastered the art of socializing with people from a comprehensive kind of position. I no longer need to worry about others, but in exchange for this new freedom, I have a conflicting and alarming feeling that my sensitivity keeps decreasing.
It is the time I spend with other people; moments in which I'm surrounded by nature, and my senses are honed and emotions are roused; or such everyday situations as watching a scenery through the smoke of a cigarette, or a wrestling match on TV, that impress themselves deep in the back of my mind as if triggering flashbacks, and thereby eventually pull me back from this troubling sensation.
Extracting through my paintings certain images while recollecting sceneries and my perception of them is for me a way of fighting my insensitivity, and I hope that, at the same time, the results strike a chord with someone else.